I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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