I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
