Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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