i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
