I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
