If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
