My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
