dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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