So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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