I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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