Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
