Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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