I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
