i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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