I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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