There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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