Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
