mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
