sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
