i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
