I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
