don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
