she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
