I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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