The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
