there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
