I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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