I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
