she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize