____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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