I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
