Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
