I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
