My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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