Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
