i think my tv is drunk
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
