I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mouth tastes like poor choices
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Randomize
