I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
