i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He passed out mid-signature
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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