Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize