you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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