Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
