I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
