Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
