Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Are we still banned from the library?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
