I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
