i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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