Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
