Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
