My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
