He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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