I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
