it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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