her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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