does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I lost the right to judge tonight
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
