four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
