I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
